I Believe – My Values

looking back, going forward

At the risk of sounding like my mother here goes my laundry list of 2020 happenings.  

I have never believed in setting goals, it limits you on the possibilities and tends to narrow your mind on accomplishing things.  I did, however , have a loose timeline of my life after retirement.  It was my intention to stay busy and engaged,  but not over do.

•prepare for Italy,  explore Italy,

•sell Saline home 

• take apt in GR to be with Liz’s family for a year
• volunteer at Makenzie’s school, Kaitlyn and Sydney did NOT want me to be noon lady at theirs
• search for lake house, move in, live happily ever after

You know what they say,  “when we make plans, God has a good laugh.”

After returning home from my Italian experience in July of 2019,  I was homeless.  The house was being rented until the end of August because I wanted to stay in Rome til September  but didn’t get a visa, so I was home early.  I spent a week with Kele,  2 wks w/mom and a few days with Marsha.   I think I wore out my welcome at each place.  The time with mom was interesting and I think I was a bit bossy, so we had some quiet time apart.  

 As soon as I got back in the house I started getting it ready to put on the market.  Well,  actually I did most of the ‘getting ready’  2 years ago when I planned to move across the street to have a smaller house for 5 years, til I did retire.  So there wasn’t too much to do. It sold in 2 wks. then we had to SQUEEZE  everything into storage ( which includes Kele’s, Liz’s, mom’s and Marsha’s house), and rented an apartment in Grand Rapids.  I began searching for my apt in GR before the closing.  Liz helped me find a good one close to their house and with no steps for a wheelchair.. 

 Anxious  to begin volunteering at Makenzie’s school, I sent my application in during the summer.  I met with the principal at Lincoln Developmental Center (LDC) and explained that I hoped to volunteer 3 or 4 days a week at the school.   I was to meet with different teachers to see if they needed helpers.  I spent the day in Mak’s class,  then I helped at the school’s monthly assembly and dance party.  Since I knew a few of M’s classmates we had a great time laughing and teasing each other.  That is where the teachers could see that I knew how to interact and make the kids at ease.   After that I got emails about being a chaperone for field trips and special activities.  We went to the mall,  had a petting zoo come to the school and more monthly parties.  I was then introduced to a group called King’s Table, who directed the Halloween, Christmas, etc parties. We did face painting,  games and other activities with the students. Each one was unique and mostly happy, with their own special abilities.  I fell in love with them all.   It was great.  I did find myself drawn to the sad kids, trying to make them happy even if just for a minute. 

Miss Kara invited me to come to M’s class anytime. Mak was always so excited when I was there.  Sheryl asked me if I would help with other kids too, not just M.   She saw me with her friends and we have been able to talk about them when we get together.   I went at least one day a week.  Every time I came home exhausted. I found a new appreciation for all teachers of special needs kids and parents.    Sheryl and I got to be good friends and she invited my to attend a play with the other teachers downtown GR.  It was nice and I went a second time.  

 I even took dance lessons.  I had hoped to learn some new things.  You just had to be so close to strangers.  It was uncomfortable.  3 lessons and one dance exercise class before Covid.

The girls came over for game night at my house,  I took them out for dinner and they had me over several times. The girls and I went to movies on Tuesdays for free popcorn night.  And best of all I was able to Kaitlyn and Sydney at their activities.  Kaitlyn ran cross country, played powder puff football, choir and other school events.  She is a very popular girl and very positive and happy.  Sydney was active at soccer and volleyball, she is a leader and will stand up for herself whenever she needs to.   I have wanted to see them more often all their life and this was my opportunity.   It was easier to spend shorter times together.  Mak and I had sleep overs and did Christmas crafts together.   We collected pine cones from around my apt. and decorated them into bird feeders and tree ornaments.  She was so excited to give out the gifts we made, and more excited to have a secret from everyone.  It was a lot of work, but I hope she will always remember our times together.  I know I will.  

Things were working out very smoothly. Then Covid hit in March.   The world stopped.   Since it was so contagious and more complicated to people with underlying conditions Liz had to be very careful about me coming to their house.   Everyone was off from work or working at home. 

Schools, restaurants, movies, stores, offices -everything closed.  Liz got my groceries for me so I wouldn’t have to go out.  Since the girls were having school online and Kenzie was home Liz let me help with her school stuff.   We sewed masks at their house and I worked on customizing M’s wheelchair with extra foot padding.  I finally felt like part of the family.

In February just before covid,  mom, now 94, was having trouble getting around.  She was complaining about pains she was having.  Since 4 of my sibs were wintering in Florida,  I went down to stay with her.  Turns out she had broken her pelvic floor.   This time we both got along fine.  I felt that she needed me and I was glad to be there.  I always remembered that dad asked me to take care of mom (another story) so I was happy to help her.  I stayed another 3 weeks until she was able to get around.  On Easter, we made a big meal and watched mass online,  on my phone,  We were able to Zoom with my kids, something new for me.  This ‘zoom’ would become very necessary in the coming months.  We FaceTimes with Sharon, Glor and Mar too.  She was happy to see everybody in Florida.  I’m sorry we didn’t do more of that.

We sorted her pictures, baked, made meatloaf and spent time together.  I finally showed her my photos of Italy,  She kept saying,  “I can’t believe you traveled by yourself’.  She told me the story of the Christmas picture that I put up at her house last year.  I had heard from several people who offered to take it down, even the furnace repairman, that mom told them,  “My daughter put that up before she went to Italy and when she comes home she will take it down”.   It sounded like her way of making a memorial to me in case I didn’t make it back.  She was worried that I wouldn’t.   Now that I think about it – maybe she thought I might meet someone and stay there – no,  I’m sure she worried about my safety.  I took it down in August.  

Traveling back and forth from GR to look at potential homes in this area,  I made it a point to stop in and check on mom.  She was doing ok until she wasn’t.  She had fallen at home and was in pain again.  I came down to take her to see her doctor.  She had broken her hip and needed surgery.  It was a bad break.  They had to put in 2 pins.  Because of covid, only one person could visit her in the hospital.  Barb stayed.  I decided to stay down here to be close by.   I stayed at Kele’s while they were in North Carolina for a month, while Chris was working on site. 

Mom had to go right from the hospital to rehab for 2 weeks, which turned out to be 3.  We could only visit her through the window.  Being hard of hearing she wasn’t able to know what we were saying.  Mar got her a flip phone, really Mar?  she never did figure out how to use it.  Then we got walkie talkies.  That helped.  She was so sad and cried when we were there.  We brought flowers and bird feeders to put outside her window.  Mothers day was hard.  She had to quarantined for 2 wks. to make sure she did not have covid.  Then she was able to come to the lobby and see us through the glass. That helped both of us.  2 more weeks of PT and she was ready to come home.  We all had a meeting to figure out what to do for mom.  Her bones were so brittle, she could easily break another one.  She couldn’t stay alone.  Everybody but Glor and I wanted her to go to a nursing home.   No one wanted to take care of her but me.  After all, my dad asked me to shortly after he died.  I said, “I promised her that I would never put her in a home.  She could come and live with me”   Sharon said, “well, I didn’t”.  They all wanted her to go right from the rehab center to the home in Blissfield.  I couldn’t believe how cold they all were!  

 After trying to schedule each of them to spent a week with her in the spring, no one wanted to do that again.   It was up to me alone, I felt, to make sure mom didn’t have to go to the home.   I couldn’t bear the thought of mom being in a new place without all her “things”at 94.    I gave up my apartment in GR and moved in to her house.  Imagining that I could help her decide what to take with her when SHE decided IF she wanted to go. That was the beginning of a big split with us kids.  

Story 2   My time with mom.  

 

 

People ask me why I decided to go to Italy.  I always say that it wasn’t my plan.

But then, I never in my life wanted to go to Hawaii either. ( If there is a storm, you can’t just fly anywhere or go in the basement.  I digress.

2015.  I was planning to go to Maui for Julie’s 40th birthday.  This would be my 7th trip there. As we were getting ready to board the plane, they announced that if anyone would be willing to give up their seat, they would pay up to $800  and get them on a later flight that day.  Wow, that sounded like a great deal.  So I did it.

2016.  The next spring, my friend/boss, Dianne Widzinski, who had just lost her husband suggested that we take a trip somewhere.  It was just after Sam and I divorced..   I always said that I never wanted to go anywhere that I couldn’t speak the language. Because I knew a little French and Benedicte was there, I suggested taking one of those river cruises.  We could meet up with B.  I emailed and called her and waited for a response.  No response.  After waiting a month, Dianne said that the U of M alumni travel club had trips they take all over the world.  We looked at the brochure and we both felt good about the one to Italy.  After all we would have a guide and wouldn’t need to speak Italian.  

We planned, we went and after the trip, I realized that we had only seen just a small part of the country where 80% of the people are Catholic.  I thought it might be nice to go back someday and experience much more of the amazing culture, art, buildings, churches and food, etc.   It seemed so easy going there and I felt at home somehow.   

2017.  I was working so much and had so many more employee troubles that I decided it was time I thought about retiring.  After falling down stairs while vacuuming and breaking my arm,  I decided to put the business up for sale in September.  After all, the year before I was diagnosed with vertigo and then trigeminal neuralgia, I realize that my body was going downhill, fast.  With no offers all year,  by January I was getting burnt out.  I lowered the price and had several offers.  Everyone asked what I would do after I retired and I joked around that I maybe might go  back to Italy.  Not really serious at first, but after saying it, I thought, why not.!   I could take the $ from the sale of the business and just go for 6 months or so.   I surely would be able to see the country in that amount of time.  I always felt the the Lord was pulling me to come back.  As soon as I got the check from the business I started looking for an apartment in Rome.

Kids

Things I remember about you when you were growing up:

Liz: 

•We lived in a small house trailer in Brooklyn when you were born.  when you had just learned to crawl (about 6 months)  I thought I could hear you say “mum?” before you could even talk.  

•(2 yrs old) sitting on the back steps at the house in Tecumseh, on a warm summer afternoon and listening to different sounds. When we heard the sound of a fire siren you said,  “Is that you Santa  Claus?”

You seemed to understand things early. 

• High School – I was so proud of you the day you stood up to a parent on the summer softball program when you were an umpire.  You made a call and one dad yelled back at you. Then you very confidently and very calmly said to him,

“excuse me,  the rule book says  . . . .”  You earned the whole crowd’s respect just then.  

Julie 

•When Liz was about 2 we thought that we should have another baby for her to play with.  She was so happy when you were born.  When you were just a few weeks old, she would climb into your bassinet and undress you.  You must have liked it because I remember how quiet you both were.  I would look to see what you were up to and there you were 1 naked baby and 1 girl in her pajamas.

 •It was a hot summer the year you were born.  We didn’t have ac so we sat outside a lot and planned the big pool we would put in the back yard for you and Liz to swim. It was going to be an inground pool, one day, when we could afford it.  

Kele

•Even though you cried a lot when you were first born,  you were always a giggly, happy kid, and cheered up everyone around you.  . . . and you still do.  Your sisters loved having their new baby.  you would do anything they wanted you to do.  You followed them everywhere.  One summer day Julie and you made mud pies. She told you they tasted good  so you put some in your mouth and then smiled.  

my hs english teacher was Miss Gabriel.  She always said, try to be original.  Change things up and don’t be boring. I think she meant in our writing, but. . . .  At first, I didn’t know how to do that.  I only knew what I knew, it was safe.  Now being on my own for really the first time in my life, I am getting know myself and what I enjoy.  

It seems now that life is just starting for me.  I have worked and did what was expected,  school, earn money and stay out of trouble.  OK  that’s done.  After staying under the radar for most of my life, I am learning and understanding what it means to be alive.  Standing still is so hard for me to do.   After 3 failed marriages, it’s time to get moving.

Yay,  I get to see my family more often.  Whenever I want- well whenever they want me.  It is the most important thing to me.  So many milestones to experience.  Staying up to date with technology, music, slang, their friends, interests, activities and whatever is new in their life is a challenge I willingly accept.  It’s important to be a cool and interesting grandparent

   

I have just finished the movie “Oppenheimer”, and wanted to share my experience with Mr. A Anderson.  Since now I understand a little better the whole story. Mr. Anderson like to tell me about his experiences and one was about how he worked with Einstein.  Because when i heard Mr A tell the story he told that when he had spoken on the phone to a friend of his in German.  He was questioned by his superiors and about the call. 

    Since Mr. A was an important doctor of chemistry in the early 1940’s and currently in the Air Force. he was invited (enlisted) to work on the Manhattan Project. He told me stories about how he worked with Einstein and others and all the secrecy involved.  One story he told was about a phone call he had with a friend of his in Germany and he spoke fluent German.  after that phone call he was questioned  by many of his superiors about he and his friend in Germany. At the time they didn’t know they were building. They were  chosen because they were excellent in their field (his was chemistry). I didn’t understand what the connection was with Germany and the bomb until I watched this movie. Now I understand that when we were building the bomb we intended to drop it on Hitler and Germany.  And when Hitler killed himself in that bunker –  and Germany surrendered,  World War II was over. Since we were at war with Japan at the same time, and everyone said that Japan would never surrender it was decided to use the bomb on Japan instead,  

This was also interesting because I had just happened to watch the series band of Brothers before this trip and learned about a place called the Eagles nest Hitlertook his high ranking officers retreats, and it was in Austria. I had already intended to go to Austria to see where the sound of music was filmed. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see the Eagles nest or not  it is now renovated into a restaurant at the top mountain in Salzburg, Austria. Already decided it was important to go to see this place, but as it turns out, it was on one of the stops on the tour that I took there. You had to take a separate bus up the rest way of the mountain to see it. I chose not to go. 

What our parents saw

As I watch a documentary about WWII,  I consider what did our parents see, hear and experience in their early 20’s.    Life seemed so much harder then.  I wish I would have talked more about this with them.  Mom always said, “you have no idea”.  I remember her telling me that they had to stretch everything they had.  For example,  I have a cabinet that mom had in the house at one time.  It was called a pie safe.  The doors on it had screens and latches on it.  that way the dog or anyone else couldn’t get the food. (pie)  

When it was of no use in the house,  Dad took the old cabinet to use in the garage.  The mice would chew thru the wood, so dad took soup can lids to cover the holes.   I asked mom why he didn’t just build a new cabinet?  He was good at building anything.  (another story).  

She said “we couldn’t just go out and buy things”.  I  assumed she meant they didn’t have  much money.  She told me “you weren’t allowed to buy things like- sugar, flour, fat, tires, lumber- many things were rationed”.  (See story about ration books)

That is why we had piles of what I thought was junk.  Dad, and his 2 brothers, who lived just down the street, shared piles of steel and metal, wood, tires.  “You didn’t throw anything away.  Somebody could use it for something else.”   Whenever he needed to repair  or build something  he would go to the piles of leftovers.

I wonder about when dad’s oldest brother, Uncle Phil, who went to serve in the military, what things were like in his family.  I imagine Grandma probably said the rosary and went to mass everyday.   In his obituary we learned that he served for 5 yrs overseas,  had been shot and earned the Purple Heart medal.  Dad would have been about 18 years old, and Uncle Jr. about 8,  when Uncle Phil served.  At the time, he was the only one of his brothers who served.  Dad was exempt from serving as he was needed to work on the farm.  Farmers were needed to feed the country.   Uncle Jr. was too young.  

August 17, 2020

Mom’s Ration book -finding a treasure

I liked dressing up mom’s cement goose.  after all I had one of my own and it was fun to see mom do something that was silly and watch her smile.  She was a practical person and if she didn’t see a purpose for something, she wasn’t doing it.  One summer afternoon I noticed she had several boxes of goose clothes on the bookshelves in the garage. (The bookshelves held many other things besides books.)

Being curious about the many outfits  she had I started sorting and organizing them.

Mom was neither.  As I straightened the rest of the shelves, I noticed there were several old books about women and business.  No doubt, dad must have rescued them from one of the many auctions they attended.  Since I was the only child who was a businesswoman,  I knew he must’ve wanted them because of me. It made me feel like, maybe he had been proud of me.  You never

knew how you felt with our parents.  nobody ever showed feelings.  It was always, “the facts mam, just the facts”   Since he had been gone for several years,  I asked mom if I could have these for my library.  She gave her permission, but said, “look through them, before you take them home, you never know what might be stuck in between the pages”.  Cool!  what would I find – money? a note?  a secret treasure map?

Leafing through the pages I found – scraps of papers used as a bookmark,  then a dog-eared page,  a couple pages had words underlined,  (had dad actually read the books and took notes?)  Having 7 daughters,  he might have been trying to figure us out.  OK, if that was all I found then I was happy.  Just to surmise what he might have been thinking felt good.

It wasn’t until almost the last book that I came across some small booklets.  At first I thought maybe they had been in the book when mom and dad brought them home.  They looked real old,  discolored but still in good shape.  Then I noticed on the front page of the small booklet was dad’s name, their was also ones with mom and Barbara’s name on, too.  Wow! what was this?  It said “Ration book”.  I showed them to mom and with no surprise and no excitement she told me about the books.  These books were from World War II.  The country was rationing certain items to all Americans, to help in the war effort..  The books said- Gas coupons,  sugar,  flour, meat, canned goods,  coffee  etc.  She explained, “You were supposed to tear off one of the perforated “coupons” each time you bought something”.  There were several coupons left in each book.  But mom, I asked, why didn’t you use up all the coupons?  She just said, “ you had to have money to buy the items.”

Being practical as they were,  I asked  “couldn’t you give them to Grama or someone else who could use them?’  Then very seriously she told me,  “you couldn’t give them to anyone else because you had to even show ID to use them.  And if you bought something for someone else you could get into trouble.  I could tell she didn’t want to take any chances back then.    I’m guessing that even thinking about it you probably felt unpatriotic.  After all,  her brother, Uncle Raymond and dad’s brother, Uncle Phil were or had been  in the service about that time.  This was people’s way of feeling they were doing their part in the war effort.

I asked her if I could have one of the books, since there were several.  She said I could take them all,  they weren’t any good.  Maybe it brought back hard memories for her.  It was very important for me, having a little glimpse into my family’s life during the war.

There was a time Bill and I considered adoption.  We wanted a little boy to even out our family.   We were asked to take classes for the adoption. During the classes we were to make a chart of our family tree. I became interested in looking back as far as I could.  Working with mom and dad to fill in what they knew. I decided to bring Aunt Agnes and Aunt Theo,  mom’s only living Aunts to her house for lunch.  In the mean time I searched at the Tecumseh library for the article about the train accident that Mom’s dad and oldest sister were killed.  It was the spring of 1930.  Mom never talked about it and just got teary whenever it was mentioned,  which was hardly ever.  

    We had arranged for dad to need a ride shortly after they got there so that we could talk with them alone.  They told us how devastating it was for the family, the whole town really.  Mom was only 5 and Uncle Raymond was only 2, Uncle Alfred, Aunt Frances and Helen were in elementary school when it happened.  I am attatching the article from the paper.  

TheytoldusthatGrandpaLidsterandMargie(thatwasmom’soldestsister,whowasabouttograduatehighschool)hadgottenaridehomefromafriend.  On the way home the car stalled as it crossed the railroad tracks, about 2 miles North of where they lived.  The friend and Margie were inside the car trying to get it started and grampa was trying to push it off the tracks.  (In those days the trains didn’t use whistles unless they were in a town.)  This was 1930 and there was no insurance, so if you lost your car it was a big loss.  As the article says, it dragged the car a ways down the tracks and everyone was cut beyond recognition. 

Grandmahad5childrentocareforand  a 100 acre farm.  They told us how all the farmers in the area helped get the crops in and gave the family clothes and other stuff they needed.  Thank goodness Aunt Theo lived across the street.

They also told us stories about how their grandpa fought in the civil war.  That would be my great, great, great, great grandpa.  They remembered he talked about how cold they were in the winter and that they had to find their own food.  Stealing eggs from chickens, stealing chickens, hunting and cooking for themselves.  The Union (government of the north) only gave them a uniform, gun and bullets;  and a canteen.  Food rations were unreliable.

My second mother/friend was the best neighbor I ever had. She always wanted to visit with someone and if you were the one, you were the only one.  She listened intently to everything you said. She wanted to meet everybody you knew, and I always felt like someone special to her. She would talk to me about all her other friends, and we laughed about so many things.  I don’t know if she knew it or not, but I knew she would trick me into coming down to her house when she would call and say I have something to show you or could you help me write a check. I just knew she wanted some company and it was me. 

Wheneversheaskedustocomeoverfordinner,itwouldbeabanquet. Shealwaysmadetwomeats,potatoes,andseveralsidedishes. youalwayswentawaystuffed. Shemadesureofthat. 

Oneofherfamoussayingswas- whenyouwerevisitingandyousaidyouhadtoleave. She’d  say “oh come on set down.”  

When Bill was working midnights all those years. She was great company. She would say let’s watch that movie that’s coming up on Wednesday, but when I went down to watch the movie, she talked all the way thru it.  She told stories about stupid things the cats did.More stories about her family, and when she was younger, she loved to go out, she love to sneak out and go dancing. I bet she was a wild dancer. I bet she was a wild everything. I loved her a lot and I hated leaving Tecumseh because of her being next-door.  

I kept the lawn mowed and the shrubs trimmed for a couple years after Orlando passed, but soon discovered it was too big of a job for me. Carolyn had contacted a lawn mowing service to mow regularly, which was a big help. After three years of staying in our home, I had a call from Kidron Bethel Retirement center saying they had a duplex available to look at. I visited the place and decided it would fill my needs. I was to let them know in a couple days and after talking to my family, we decided I should say yes.

It was September and plans were made for an auction. I contacted a mover and made arrangements for a moving date. The duplex was not only just across the back yard and the shelter belt, but also just around the corner and down the street by car, so after my new residence was ready I began moving boxes of possessions. As I moved a carload, I carried it in and put it away. The movers came and loaded up furniture and the move went smoothly. I hired a lady to do a full clean of my house and I put it up for sale. Very soon we had a very interested buyer and the rest is history.

It was easy to adjust to retirement living and I realized I made a good decision. Not having the responsibility of keeping things in good shape was a relief. I have now lived here for thirteen years and enjoy my time here.  Learning to know new people and having good neighbors is all good.

Kidron Bethel has undergone a major remodeling and the new area is great. I have a few things I would change, but am satisfied with how things are.