When a Mother Dies, a Child’s Mourning Never Completely Ends.
It is said you die twice, once when you take your last breath. And again, many years later, when your name is spoken for the last time.
My Dear Children and Grandchildren, please remember me. Tell a story; remember a time we spent together. Feel my hug. Toast to GRAMMY!!!!! Remember December 14, my Birthday, and the day I left you, Month Day Year . I will always be with you with every heartbeat. Just say my name.
The lyrics from “The Prayer” by Andrea Bocelli touched my heart because they related to my siblings and me after our Mother passed away.
“I pray you’ll be our eyes, And watch us where we go, And help us to be wise, In times when we don’t know. Let this be our prayer when we lose our way; lead us to a place. Guide us with your grace to a place where we’ll be safe.
When stars go out each night, I pray we’ll find your light and hold it in our hearts.
Let this be our prayer. When shadows fill our day, Lead us to a place. Guide us with your grace.
Give us faith so we’ll be safe. We ask that life be kind And watch us from above. We hope each soul will find Another soul to love. Let this be our prayer, Just like every child needs to find a place.
Guide us with your grace. Give us faith so we’ll be safe.” Songwriters: Carole Bayer Sager / Alberto Testa / David W. Foster
Momma had been sick for quite a while, and we kids were too young to realize how ill she was. What has always amazed me is that Daddy was sick long before Momma became ill. Now I know it has nothing to do with time or age when your time comes.
Her eighth child was born less than two years before she got sick. She had two jobs and looked after a sick husband with a house full of kids under 15. The Doctors said it was stress, she was working too hard, and it went on for three years.
At the age of 17, I oversaw the burial of my Mother. Daddy was there, but I felt the final decisions were left up to me.
After the funeral, Uncle John came to me and said he and Steen wanted to help. He said they had talked and wanted to take the two youngest with them, just for a while, Baby Sis and Deborah. Uncle John and Steen had only been married for four years, and she had two miscarriages which left her unable to have children of her own. Deborah was 3, and Baby Sis was 11. I told him we needed to talk to Daddy. Daddy was so broken and hurt that he did not know what to do, but he said it might be the best thing since he could not take care of them and still had more treatments for his illness. In talking about the girls going, Jr said he wanted to go. I am unsure how Jr. came to go, but they took him too; he was eight.
So, the day after the funeral, Deborah, Baby Sis, and Jr. went to Baltimore to live with Steen and Uncle John. This started a relationship that would last until they died. We were all still in shock, and I remember feeling so sad and torn when they left; there was a hole in my heart. Not only have we lost our Mother, but we have also lost our three younger siblings. I will never know what would have happened if we had all stayed together. This separation would have a profound effect on all of us. The bond we had will never be the same again. I have thought about it since writing my memories. When I think about it, I wish we had stayed together, but when I think about what happened with us girls at home, about how things went, we struggled to keep the essential things going. And there were heated arguments about the Social Security money and who would use it and how. At those times, I felt that the younger ones were better off. There was some stability with Steen and Uncle John, and we had their Social Security money sent to them.
I know how hard it was for us girls after Momma died over the years. It felt like we were left all alone. It was tough for Baby Sis, Jr, and Deborah; also, they lost their whole family. Over the years, a wonderful thing happened with Baby Sis, Jr. and Deborah. I saw the bond between them grow strong, and they grew closer.
On the other hand, it seemed like the five of us at home grew further apart. We could not close the broken chain. We did not have that ONE over us holding us together. We did not know how to take care of ourselves, not to mention take care of others. Over the years, we grew, and as the years went by, we did find a path to each other. We are sisters, and we love each other. Like everyone else, we did the best we could, and when we knew better, we did better.
When Christine graduated from high school, she got married. Esther Mae and Elnora moved to Baltimore when they graduated and never returned to Newport News to live. Their children were all raised in Baltimore, which is home to them. Lucille (Baby Sis), Jr., and Deborah returned home!!!. They all graduated from High School in Newport News. We grew from children to adults. We survived childhood, and we made it. No one went to jail, got hooked on drugs, or was homeless on the streets. We just started having babies and getting married, and here we are now; we went from a family of 10 to a family of 73. God is Good.
Barbara was 19, and I was 17; Christine, 16; Esther Mae, 14; Elnora, 13; and Daddy were all at 614. It was hard and challenging, and we went on; time went on. After Momma died, I don’t remember talking about her; we did not “Say Her Name.” We did not celebrate the day of her death or her Birthday. It was like she never existed. Now I know it was hard for us to talk about Momma without getting upset. The people around us did not talk about her because they did not want to upset us, so maybe that’s why we did not talk about her. She was just gone.
God always put someone there for you; for us girls at home, that was Esther. She did everything she could do for us as she grieved herself. Esther and Momma were very close, and Momma’s death was sudden; no one was expecting it. Most people did not know she was ill. Esther knew the surgery was serious because Momma told her everything. Esther became our go-to person, our Grandmother. Sometimes we spent the night at Esther’s house because we did not have electricity or heat.
We could depend on her to be there when we needed a babysitter. She kept our children not just for us to go to work but also for us to go out. She often loaned us money, not taking it when we could repay her. She would say that’s ok, keep it. You will read about what she did for Karen and me. All the older grandchildren that grew up in Newport News knew and loved Esther. I loved her like she was my Grandmother, and she loved us.
One by one, as the years went on, we all left 614, including Daddy. Momma was the glue that held us together; our chain was permanently broken. We were all lost without her; sometimes, even today, I can see the effects of that loss. We made it BUT for Esther, Uncle John, and Steen.
Uncle John is my Mother’s brother, and Steen was his wife. They married on March 10, 1956. Momma died on October 6, 1960. Steen and Uncle John did not have much time to bond as husband and wife before we came into their lives. Momma had gone to Baltimore when Steen was in the hospital. I can’t remember if Momma or Steen told me this. Momma had asked Steen to take care of her children if anything happened to her.??? Why? Did she know she was not going to be here for us?
Steen & Uncle John, with all the ups and downs, there were many. We also had so much to be thankful for. We could look forward to large family Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. That was when we came together with love and shared. There’s no way we could have made it without both of them.
There are so many times that Steen made it fun. Steen taught us how to cook, and all of us girls have at least one of her recipes. We have benefitted from her love and teaching. Steen’s strong will and determination showed us we could be strong women. It was not easy, praise God, but we were family, and at the end of the day, we all knew in our hearts that we could depend on Steen.
Uncle John’s calm, beautiful smile and love gave us strength. They both gave us some beautiful memories after Momma passed. It wasn’t easy, but I know with certainty that we benefited from growing up with them in our lives as we moved from children to adults… They did their best, and when they knew better, they did better. I take this time right now to say thank you, and I love you with all that is in me, to Steen and Uncle John.
I said we, the Vernon Sisters and Jr., have all lived in their home at some point. They fed us and supported us with money when we needed it. They taught us what they believed was the right thing to do. They took us in with open arms, and we stayed until it was time to go. And at the end of her life, Steen told me in my last phone call, “I love you; I love you all. I didn’t realize how much you all mean to me.” I love you too, Steen.
Below is the tribute we did to each one of them.
From October 3, 1915 to November 26, 1998, John H Smith
Dear Uncle John,
This world has been given clear notice of how much you really mean to us.
Your compassion and concern have warmed many weary hearts, as those who know you best must all agree. Your devotion has created strong bonds of friendship by just the way you smile. You have never been one to run from a good cause or fight; instead, you would rather go the extra mile. In Jesus’s name, you worked passionately and faithfully to aid those of us less fortunate than you. You often and unselfishly stretched forth your hands to share your blessings as God had commanded you.
Not once did you complain, no matter how many times we came. You have taught us many lessons about loving each other in this meaningful, short life. Your Christian leadership and outstanding example showed us that we ARE the keepers of our sister and brother. True love is grand when given and shared with others, for it brings complete peace deep within.
Repeatedly, you have illustrated that when we love another soul, we experience the ultimate gift of being loved right back, as you are loved. As we now reflect on life with Uncle John. There cannot be a day without Steen, who was always by his side. And each time we came to him, she opened her heart and said, Ain’t that nothing; y’all come on in.
I want to assure my sisters and brother that God’s assignments for Uncle John continue. We shall miss his pride, inner strength, steadfastness, diligence, wisdom, comforting ways, and protective love.
So, you see, he lives on in us. He may not be with us after today, but all he has given will remain with each of us forever and ever, and we will pass it on to our children. God will crown him a Prince on judgment day.
Ernestine C. Smith October 21 – June 5, 2015,
This world has been given clear notice of how much you really mean to us. In His infinite wisdom, God has seen fit to move from our beloved Aunt Ernestine Smith, so lovingly known by us as Steen. We come together to pay our respects to the memory of one whose life was full of love. Steen, a woman of strength, honor, and faith, will forever be cherished as an Aunt who stepped in to take care of eight children when our Mother passed away in 1960. That’s a long time ago, over 50 years we spent with you. I truly believe God put you in Uncle John’s life just for the eight of us.
Steen, your commitment to God and devotion to family and friends will be a lasting memorial of the life you lived. Often and unselfishly, you stretched forth your hands to share your blessings as God had commanded. And never did you complain, no matter how many times we came. And you stayed the course, and you never asked anyone to leave. Your legacy continues to live on in us and the many others you touched along the way. You will be missed but not forgotten.
We, the Vernon Sisters and Jr., thank God for allowing our paths to cross as we journey through this life. You were the Grandmother our children did not have. You were the one there as we grew from teens to young adults. You were the one we called “Steen, can you keep…….you even kept some for the whole summer. And we have not even gotten to the cooking; there are some things we make now just like you did. You and Uncle John, with his big smile, I know he is smiling up there now.
I could go on and on….but I must stop now for you see the “Best of Her Story has Never Been Told.” She gave us the Best of what she had to offer.
1 Corinthians 15:57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Momma had to leave us, but God hand-picked the Angels that watched over us. They gave us all they had to give. ALL!!
I know Momma and Daddy are so proud of all of us.
